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a la Mag:

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One from my own collection.. We have a rather stupid cat. He was anxious to get out.

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Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
school diploma to fix one Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely
in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,”
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be
said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the
solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last……………..

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits
forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is
forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsu itable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly
optional.
At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s
choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her
to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re
sunning on a tropical beach . and it’s delivered by a topless model and
only when it’s free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain
sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza,
but not both, that’s just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking
about
his choice of beer.

20: Never join your gir lfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting
weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another
set
and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other
situations,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang
up
if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend”
have
carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and
guilty
is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion
occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange, yellow or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for
Christmas?”
with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of
story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s
Gymnastics.
Ever.

29: We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. but do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below:

“GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “are
you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

“BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say, “You’re next!”

I hope this clears up any confusion.